Zaktan and His IT
by Saya Moonshadow
Summary: Losing your childhood playmate is the worst, especially when all you've got to help you is the biggest moron this side of Voya Nui. Pray for Zaktan, who really doesn't have any semblance of dignity at the moment, no matter what anyone says. Crackfic.


**Stupid Zaktan humor fic because Zaktan is LOVE. And because back in April when I wrote it, I was seriously bored and had a time limit from my brother, who commissioned it. Woo!**

**Disclaimer: Zaktan doesn't belong to me! NO ONE DOES! I'm just exercising the humorous portion of my brain to make this fic. And avoiding the attorneys at the same time! PS: I listen to way too much Evanescence, although that is in no way relevant.**

**Summary: Losing your childhood playmate is the worst, especially when all you've got to help you is the biggest moron this side of Metru Nui. And Hakkan is that moron. Pray for Zaktan, who really DOESN'T have any semblance of dignity at the moment, no matter what anyone says. Crackfic.**

**Dedication: **_**Zanda Waffle 07**_**. He told me to do a funny Zaktan fic with the prompts **_**childhood toy **_**and **_**taking a hostage**_**. Sounds good, doesn't it? After all, Zaktan's bringing sexy back...or whatever it is that Bionicles do these days. Wow, I'm a pretty well informed teenager.**

**Zaktan and His **_**IT**_**  
By: Saya Moonshadow  
Beta: Zanda Waffle 07**

The Tuesday after totally conquering Voya Nui was not shaping up to be a good day for certain people.

Some of said people were the Matoran of Voya Nui, who were now being forced to work like beasts of burden for less than minimum wage and barely a crust of bread to eat for each meal. Some were the Rahi, who were being hunted for mere sport by a certain trigger happy brown Piraka.

And yet another of them was Zaktan.

It was missing. _IT_ was missing! How could it be missing?! His most precious possession in the world, and it was gone. OK, it had been sitting on top of his bed in his hut, then he had gone to go get some food upon waking up. When he came back, it was gone.

He _knew_ he should have gotten the Le-Matoran to construct his hut with a door that had eight padlocks, but no. He had thought, _Who would DARE steal from a Piraka? Certainly no one._

And thus his private chamber remained door-less and unlocked, just like every _other_ private chamber on the planet, with the exception of those that had a reason to be locked.

Like the door containing that one weird Rahi that was actually a room on Metru Nui.

Cursing his foolishness, the leader of the Piraka ran through the streets in a frenzy, knocking both Matoran and Rahi over as he went. It took him a while to reach Ta-Voya, but reach it he did. Once he did, he went straight to his red teammate's hut and practically kicked down the door.

See, Hakkan was _smart_ - he had a door! Only, his door had no lock. It was probably just for decoration and to assert his specialness.

Stupid Hakkan.

ANYWAY, Zaktan strode into the hut without bothering to knock. In fact, Hakkan was going to need a new door, because he hadn't bothered to use the knob either. There was now a nice Zaktan-shaped hole in it.

It seems decorating was lost on these guys.

Hakkan shouted indignantly as Zaktan pulled him out of bed roughly and deposited him on the floor like a rag. "Dude, what the heck!" he yelled angrily, disentangling himself from the sheets.

Zaktan gave him a mind-numbing stare. "You stole one of my things. I demand that you give it back now, or die."

Hakkan snorted. "Dude, I've been here all day, seriously. What _else_ would I be doing on a Sunday?!"

"It's Tuesday." Zaktan deadpanned. "You don't have it?"

"No, of course not." Hakkan snapped. Then, he smirked. "So, what is this mysterious thing that you're lookin' for, eh, Zaktan?"

Zaktan glared and grabbed him by the ear, eliciting another round of indignant yelps from him. He dragged him straight off of the floor and kicked the door completely down, further infuriating the red Piraka.

"Dude, what the heck! What are you--"

"You will help me to search. Now come or I'll drag you the whole way."

Well, this BLEW.

Ga-Voya proved no better, and Vezok was extremely displeased to find that the hordes of fish his Matoran had so painstakingly (cough...) dragged in were lying in heaps all over the sandy ground.

Nor was he happy to see that various ocean Rahi had taken the opportunity to gorge themselves on said fish.

He growled and stomped his foot, making a nice dent in the sand. Good Mata Nui, could this get any worse?!

An enraged shriek from somewhere around the borders of Ga- and Onu-Voya answered his question as a tornado blew through, further destroying his city.

It just got worse.

It was still missing! Zaktan _knew_ he should have listened when that stupid fortune teller had told him he'd be missing something of great importance very soon! Sadly, he had no clue when he'd get it back.

And the only thing he had to help him was the biggest moron this side of Metru Nui, Hakkan! It made his blood boil and his teeth gnash!

Oh yes, when Zaktan found out who took his _IT_, said thief was going to _die_.

Next to be searched was Reidak's domain, in Onu-Voya. The black Piraka was not happy to have his hut searched by the irate Zaktan and the laughing Hakkan, who was really doing nothing except getting in the way and tripping over random objects, including a cheese cutter, a clarinet, and a jackhammer.

"Zaktan, may I ask just what the _-bleep-_ you're doing?" Reidak asked calmly, as if that bleeped out word were normal for such _dignified_ conquerors to say.

Zaktan spared him a glance, but otherwise ignored him. Reidak felt his right eye twitch as several more random objects went flying, a bunny slipper hitting him in the head and bouncing off with a squeak.

What a Piraka was doing with bunny slippers we will _ignore_, however.

Hakkan, meanwhile, had started singing. "Tarzan is handsome, Tarzan is strong! He's really cute and his hair is long! Tarzan is handsome, Tarzan is strong! So listen to the jungle song!"

Reidak sighed exasperatedly and kneaded his temples. "Well then, may I ask what you're looking for?"

Zaktan's face turned slightly red, but he answered this time. "A highly valued item that I must find before it falls into the wrong hands."

Reidak raised an eyebrow, intrigued. "And what might this item be?"

"That's for me to know and you to find out."

Another sigh from Reidak. "OK then."

"Hey Zaktan! What's the date today?" Hakkan asked randomly from where he was stacking Reidak's things into a haphazard pile.

"None of your business."

It was going to be a long day.

After leaving Reidak's once very nice and neat hut in complete and utter shambles, Zaktan and Hakkan set off once again, this time to Po-Voya. It was a hot area, not that Hakkan minded. Unfortunately, Zaktan wasn't used to the heat, and as such, started sweating bullets.

He was beginning to think whoever had taken his _IT_ had done it just to torture him. That was probably true, by all accounts; he was a _very_ hated person in these parts.

Back on topic, he _needed_ his _IT_. Very much needed it. It had been with him for years, and to heck with the world if he was to be without it!

He stormed into Avak's weapon lab, ignoring his underling's cries of dismay, and proceeded to tear the place apart with his bare hands (and a couple of zamor spheres). Avak looked to Hakkan questioningly, and Hakkan merely shrugged. "We're looking for something, but I dunno what."

"IT'S NOT HERE!" Zaktan screeched at that precise moment, and an entire rack of guns fell to the floor with a loud CRASH.

Think of when at least three shopping carts loaded with cans of processed food fall over, and you'll have that exact sound.

Avak winced, willing a couple of tears away. No...he would _not_ cry...even though his precious guns that he had spent the past forever on were being wrecked.

Once Zaktan and Hakkan left, however, he let out a howl of anguish, clutched the nearest weapon to his chest, and sobbed.

Next stop: Ko-Voya!

Hakkan shivered; it was _cold_! He hated Ko-Voya with the burning passion of his soul, so why they were there was beyond him!

...oh yeah, to rescue Zaktan's...thing. Whatever it was. Really, how was he supposed to help him find it when he didn't even know what _IT_ was?!

Stupid Zaktan.

Meanwhile, Thok was huddled away in his hut, snickering to himself. Oh, Zaktan was paying dearly for that humiliation last week...very dearly indeed...

A peal of wild laughter was heard over the frozen wasteland.

Taking a hostage sure was fun! Boy, he _loved_ being a Piraka!

Never mind that he was sure to die when Zaktan found him.

So he wasn't all that surprised when Zaktan kicked down the door to his hut (in Ko-Voya, they were needed to keep away the cold) and gave him a crazed glare that would have stopped Mt. Valamai in the throes of a Krakatoa-esque eruption.

"Where. Is. _IT_?!" he snarled, clawed hands balling into fists.

Thok smirked and held _IT_ up. "You mean this, oh fearless leader?"

Hakkan stared at it disbelievingly, then shook his head, unable to stop the laughter that shook him. "A Gukko plush?! Zaktan, are you kidding me?! We just spent the past six hours looking for a _stuffed_ _toy_?!"

Zaktan ignored him and instead pointed one elegant green finger at him, protodytes swirling agitatedly. "You have two seconds to give me back my _IT_, thief!"

Thok blinked, nonplussed. "Ever heard of a _hostage_, Zaktan?"

His leader bristled angrily. "GIVE _IT_ BACK OR I WILL KILL YOU!" he roared, attempting to berserker charge the perpetrator, only to be held back by Hakkan.

The white Piraka smirked, dangling the battered Gukko plush between his long fingers. "Oh, I'll give it back, Zaktan...but you have to do something for me."

Zaktan's head shot up from where he was currently beating a loudly yelping Hakkan over the head with his zamor launcher. "A deal?" he demanded. "I'll do anything! Just give me my _IT_!"

"That's a really unoriginal name," Hakkan muttered, tenderly feeling his now very bruised head. Another smack sent him crashing to the ground, eyes swirling and minus at least two teeth.

Thok smirked at Zaktan, whose chest was heaving. "Alright then. What I want from you is--"

And so, the Matoran of Le-Voya were quite confused when their dictator did acrobatic flips through the streets dressed as a Hoto bug, screaming, "I'M ON A MISSION!" at the top of his abnormally powerful lungs.

Really they were.

As for the _IT_? It was sitting on Zaktan's bed, right where it had belonged this entire time.

Indeed, hostage situations were so much fun to initiate.

X x X

**END.**

X x X

**AN: Done! It was REALLY OOC and a little stupid, but all the comedies on BZPower (where this was originally written) are these days, so I'm just stereotyping!**

_**Zanda Waffle 07**_**, Hakkan's song was just for you. I've seen what's on your iPod, don't lie. "Best Friends" pwns "Tarzan and Jane", by the way.**

**Review please!**


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